I had a moment this weekend. A moment where I took a good look at myself and really digested all of the thoughts and emotions I’d been having over the past several months. The person I saw was a Mommy. Not like in the graceful-belly-pregnancy-photo way. Definitely not in the brand-new-baby-glow way. It sure didn’t feel like the breastfeeding-makes-me-burn-all-the-calories way. And I know it wasn’t I-look-so-sporty-chasing-my-one-year-old kind of way. Nope. It was more like…. Haven’t cut my hair in a year. Why is there so much gray? So many unflattering photos this weekend. Where did that arm flab come from? Burdened by the unending to do list. Trying to do everything but feeling like I’m doing nothing. How can I still be this tired? You know that sad, run down, always puts herself last, stereotypical Mommy. Ugh. Shit. How could you become such a trope?
Then I heard her, Dr. Miranda Bailey, circa Grey’s Anatomy season 2.
“Yeah. I went and had a baby. I gave birth. I created a human life. I’m a surgeon. We don’t do that. He’s mommy tracking me. No, I change diapers, I clean spit up, I sing the ABCs. I’m covered in mommy. But I will not be mommy tracked!”
Damn skippy Miranda. Me too. Covered in Mommy. But I’m so much more than that. So, I said to myself “self, YOU will NOT get mommy tracked. There is more to you than sad-looking mommy. Get your shit together and find it.”
Keep your pants on, this isn’t about me not liking my life. I have a lot going for me and I LOVE being a mommy. Every moment I spend with Meredith is fucking awesome. I wouldn’t even give up the no-sleep, verge of insanity, fed up with crying moments. It’s all the other moments in my day that I’m having a hard time with. It’s no surprise that I have been struggling with finding happiness physically, value professionally or purpose philanthropically. I just feel like there is more that I should be doing. But I do nothing because of this unending list of inadequacies that plays on repeat in my head. It follows me around all day like elevator Muzak and it is torture. So, I want to do something, anything to fulfill some small ambition I have but because my perceived failures (or anticipated failings because I have those too) are so loud and debilitating, I’m paralyzed and I do nothing. Nothing but wish I could find time, energy, passion to change my circumstance; to make a difference.
Until this weekend where I came up with a plan. Just do ONE thing. I remembered seeing a book while I was mucking around on Amazon one day – “Do One Thing Every Day That Makes You Happy” – and I thought, well maybe I could do one thing. But being happy once a day for all the days? That seems dumb. And maybe out of character for me. Luckily, there were two other similarly titled books “Do One Thing Every Day That Inspires You” and “Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You.” Now between the three options, I definitely can do one thing every day. Just one thing to get me away from my routine and focused on something outside of my personal elevator Muzak playlist.
I’m gonna give it a whirl. I’m going to do ONE thing each day. Guided by these silly little books. In an effort to do a little work on me and dig out of this rut. I’m writing about it here for one reason – ACCOUNTABILITY. I won’t post about it every day but each week I’ll recap the “One Thing” I did for each day. I don’t do this type of stuff but I need to shake shit up and this seems like a good idea at 9:30pm on a Monday. Call it a fun little experiment. Keep track of me if you want; you know if you’re bored and don’t listen to the Muzak playlist that I do.
#ksamdoesonething #onethingthatscaresyou #onethingthatmakesyouhappy #onethingthatinspiresyou