Miss Halfway

One week left and the panic has begun to set in. Let me clarify – the crazy has begun to set in. When I look at what I have left to accomplish before the move, I am overwhelmed. When I look at the uncertainty that awaits me after the move, I waffle between cheery confidence and crushing self-doubt. Today started off in the latter. And as I drove to work this morning, a song came on my iPod that too strong a message to ignore. As I have said on countless occasions, sometimes a song can say it better than I ever could.

You ought to hear the mirror in my house

You ought to fear her pretty, pretty mouth

Says I’m imperfect in every way

Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway

This is the type of crazy that I live with on a daily basis. I am, without a doubt, my own worst enemy. I know I keep saying how much I want this freedom, but can I really pull this anti-plan off? Can I split apart my life and find a way to put the pieces back together again? Is it even possible to have everything in Boston that I have here? Are things really that bad here or am I just spoiled? Is living together a mistake? How will I live without my animals? Am I being a bad Mommy to the pony and the kitties? What if it takes forever to get a new job? I am I if I’m not working? I am going to fuck it all up aren’t I?

You ought to hear the things I’ve been thinking

 You ought to swim in a heart that is sinking

You try to break me with all the things you say

Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway

I mean really, have you any idea what it’s like to be in a constant battle inside your head? It’s exhausting. On the outside, you’d never know…*believe it or not* this is the main reason I come off as a little aloof, unapproachable or just a complete bitch. Which I understand, but honestly, I just can’t pay attention to you when the voices arguing in my head drown out all reason. Despite the noise level in here, I continue to tempt fate. When things are under control I actively seek out chaos and the crazy that comes with it. And just when you think that this some sad Adele song, wallowing in heartbreak, the music gets hopeful.

I’m gonna burn a pie now and then

I’m gonna say the wrong things to your friends

I’m gonna burn and shine and multiply

I’m gonna fill up the great divide

You’ll never break me with all the things you say

Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway

 In the time it took me to drive to work my mood had lifted – ever so slightly – because let’s not ask for too much here. I have to remember what I am and have faith in who I am. I am, admittedly, a lunatic. I go against the grain. I make lots of mistakes. I appreciate and enjoy chaos. And I am nothing if not a fighter. I am what I am.

That is how quickly things can change if you simply take a breath and listen for song beneath the song.

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