The Absence of Hope

I just need something to happen. I need a sign that things are going to change.

I need a reason to go on. I need some hope!

And, in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed a feel like I might die today. 

Seriously. Those of you who have an understanding of my deep love for quoting TV should recognize that little diddy.  It’s a classic and I love that Lifetime airs 3 episodes of Grey’s Anatomy every day. Despite the anger in cyber land regarding this week’s season finale, I’m still good with the cliffhanger. I never really liked Lexie anyway. Besides, it’s fictional TV and requires something called suspension of disbelief. I do, however, LOVE Christina’s head nod to the absurdity of the life and death situations they often find themselves in. “Why does this stuff keep happening?” My guess would be ratings, but her comment adds a bit of levity to a plane crash.

The quote above is from a recent rerun of “It’s the End of the World.” Meredith is in bed refusing to get up and go to work. She laments the fact that someone else is living her McLife and feels like she might die. I think that at this point she kind of wants to die, but that is beside the point. Her words may as well have come from my mouth more mornings than not lately. I have had a tough couple of weeks – I’ll admit. I thought that that with this new chapter in my misadventures, I would have more time to explore and absorb my surroundings. I thought that a new job would come with a little more ease. I thought that I’d be able to change some of my bad health habits. However, when you are working, looking for a new job, looking for an apartment, flying between three states and dealing with the pressure that comes with all of that, you just aren’t able to focus. There are days when the stress has gotten the best of me. And I don’t believe that I have been particularly successful at balancing my professional, personal and social responsibilities. Things are suffering, I know.

I just need something to happen. I’m still working for a job I promised to leave. Not only that, I am working a lot. I am not spending enough time looking for new employment. When I am looking, I’m doing all the things that you are supposed to do. I may kick and scream and drag my feet but I do them. Momentum inevitably fades into oblivion. Worse than that, I think I’m getting somewhere and I actually see some light, but then “reality” rears its ugly head and I’m back to square one. I’m trying really hard not to take this personally. I’m making a concerted effort to not interpret these events as indicators of my personal shortcomings and I am wholeheartedly fighting the overwhelming urge to just give up entirely.

I need some hope. I would love to wake up and feel like Eye of the Tiger is playing. But I don’t wake up to music. I wake up to a battle between my physical need to be active and my overall bad attitude. I am not an optimistic person. I am on a good day, glass half empty. These days I’m just thirsty.  To be clear, I don’t expect things to happen over night or for good things to simply fall into my lap. I sure wish they would, but I never expect them to. And I know that this is about the journey – insert sickening cliché here. But this feels like a board game where everyone around me is rolling 9s and 10s and I consistently roll a 3 or simply lose a turn. I need a big number here. I need some momentum. I need something to happen.

And, in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die. The worst part of all of this is that these feelings of inadequacy and stagnancy make me want to duck under the covers and sulk in my broodiness. Ironic how getting nowhere makes us want to do nothing. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m not having any premonitions of my end. And I’m not planning on letting this whole debacle get the better of me. I just want to complain about it. Seriously. I want to sit here, in bed and wallow in self pity for a bit. It’s not brave and it’s definitely not attractive. I don’t care. I’ve had a particularly crummy day and I don’t want to be happy about it. I don’t want to look on the bright side. I don’t want to sing The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow. Tonight, I want to be a bitch. Tonight, I want to rage against the injustice of it all. Tonight, I want to take out my frustrations on the world and feel like I want to die.

I want be this broody girl tonight so that when I wake up tomorrow morning in Detroit, snuggling in bed with my kitties, it will not be Meredith’s voice I hear. Instead it will be the voice of reason and levity. It will be Christina’s saying:

Whatever. Everybody has problems.

Now get your ass out of bed and get to work. Now! Move, move, move! 

2 thoughts on “The Absence of Hope

  1. In addition to getting your ass out of bed to get to work, come visit Nick and I! I love your blog. Love YOU!

  2. “The worst part of all of this is that these feelings of inadequacy and stagnancy make me want to duck under the covers and sulk in my broodiness. Ironic how getting nowhere makes us want to do nothing. It’s a vicious cycle.”

    I feel that. It must be genetic.

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