I’ve fallen off the rails! At first I was busy with family visits and I waited to write down my things until after they left. One day became five, turned into a week, then two. At that moment I still recited the denial mantra – “I will catch up… soon.” In a blink of an eye, three weeks had passed and I still hadn’t recorded my things. I started to feel bad about not being able to keep up. Then as with most things when I started to feel bad about it, I just ignored it. Four weeks. Work picks up, the cat gets sick. Five weeks. Shit.
Then one day when I was feeling particularly defeated – not just about my lack of journaling but also about life in general – I had a friend post on Instagram an image of her tarot reading. And I thought how I missed mine. I dug them out of a box in our garage and felt like I had outgrown this deck. So I went out and purchased a new one.
And this was my first reading…
Let me break it down for you:
I’m a sensitive person who is heavily influenced by what’s going on around me. I struggle to stay grounded when I feel conflicted. And right now, there are some serious things pulling me in separate ways. So, I’m stuck. Which sucks because I continue to resist the situation in front of me – out of pure principle. Maybe all the options suck, maybe I don’t want to be the one to choose, maybe just feel everything is unfair. So, I feel hung up, strung out and fucked.
But it isn’t always like that – sometime before now, I had a clear vision and pursuit. It was awesome, and I was destined to do it. I’m not asking for the answer to all the world’s problems. All I really want is harmony – good things weighing out the bad – and peace of mind with myself and my choices. So, I need to get grounded; find the seed that begins something new. I’m at the bottom right now and the only way is up – if I make the concerted effort to rise. I tend to let external emotional entanglement get in my head and weigh me down. Could it also be that the harmony I seek is what I hope for AND fear? It might be….
In the end, I must quit blaming external factors for my internal struggle. I’ve got to take it easy on myself when I don’t measure up to the standard I set. Forgive. Breathe. Let it go. Get back on the damn horse and ride on.
More things to come tomorrow. No make up. No catch up. Just getting back on it.